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INSIDE PERSPECTIVES of AS & Neurodiversity |
RELATIONSHIPS
FRIENDHIPSThose who are markedly different from the majority, often find themselves isolated and unable to make or keep close friendships. In such a situation it is easy to believe there is something ‘wrong’ with oneself, though it may really just be due to being in minority and not having enough other people of like mind to choose among for friends. Not that one’s friends need necessarily be neuro-atypical in the same way as oneself, but I’ve noticed that like attracts like and that many feel more comfortable with others who have similar values, interests and ways of functioning.
· Naïveté. Many ASD people have a sort of innocence or helplessness about them that makes kind-hearted people want to take care of them, and predatory people want to use or bully them. Somehow, those who wish to use, abuse and control, seem to have a special radar for detecting if someone is different, vulnerable, peaceful at heart, naïve, has a low level of assertiveness and is easy to intimidate and take advantage. Usually, this comes as a complete shock to the unsuspecting Aspie! Since most of us are honest, harmless and sincere ourselves, we tend to assume that everyone is and therefore easily miss dishonesty and hidden agendas. We simply can’t imagine why someone would do something which we ourselves would never dream of doing... Parents, teachers and friends need to keep a close eye to make sure their Asplings aren’t getting taken advantage of, being bullied or worse. Not every Aspie is gullible and naïve, though. Many have - or eventually acquire - a very keen manipulation-radar and can detect suspicious behaviour a mile away, e.g. insincere compliments that are only designed to gain some advantage for themselves.
· Reciprocity. Many Aspies have overwhelmingly strong sensitivities, allergies, phobias, interests, problems, high or low energy level, compulsions or social cluelessness which may make it difficult to impossible to have a perfectly equal friendship. Some need things to always be on their terms or not at all, and just don’t have the energy to engage in things that don’t interest them. Others may be over-compliant & passive and just go along with whatever is suggested, without ever taking an initiative themselves. Some may simply not know what is expected in a friendship without being explicitly informed. Yet others form very long & deep friendships and make excellent and loyal friends.
“1. I will often defend people I'm bonded to. 2. I will be altruistic (without the usual requirement for give-and-take).” - Leif, adult Aspie from Sweden
· Age. It is not uncommon for young Aspies to seek the company of those that are older (for comfort, security & guidance and/or intellectual stimulation). And for older Aspies to seek the company of those who are younger (e.g. for exchange of fresh ideas & sharing of youthful interests which one may still enjoy).
· Gender. Many Aspies have an easier time making friends of the opposite sex.
“I like to play pool, but I play mainly with guys. I don't know how to get along very well with women. I'm not good at small talk. I do a lot of things alone, but I do like being around people very much and talking and playing. Mostly guys, though. There are few women who share my interests.” - Anne Marie, adult ADHD/Aspie from USA
“I used to play quite a bit with girls when I was a kid. 2 of my best friends from childhood were girls. In kindergarten, I was always with this girl and we had a lot of secrets together. We were called ‘the experts’ by the others, because they thought we knew so much and were so quick to get through reading- and math assignments. A year or so later, I ‘finally learned’ that it wasn’t appropriate to play with girls so I stopped.” - Mattias, adult probable Aspie from Sweden
BRAIN GENDER
According to Swedish neurobiologist, Professor Annica Dahlström, some people have a different brain gender than body gender. Biological causes for this:
· Chromosomes. Some males have two XX-chromosomes and thus turn out more feminine, while some females have an XY-combination and become more masculine.
· Hormones. The more testosterone one is subjected to in the womb (and just after birth in males) the more masculine the child; the more oestrogen the more feminine. Girls who don’t get enough of the constant oestrogen flow may develop difficulty with social competence & reading faces and become shy & reserved.
· Cell-types. There are also two specific cell-groups in the hypothalamus (INAH-3 & SCN) which determine partner preference, plus one (BST) which determines gender identity. You can thus be a female with a more masculine brain and vice versa without necessarily being homosexual or having a gender identity problem.
It is not uncommon in the general population to have both male and female traits in various proportions (two overlapping bell-curves were shown, see page six in this pdf: Könet sitter i hjärnan! of Professor Dahlström’s Power Point presentation, unfortunately only with Swedish captions, from her latest lecture at the annual Swedish brain conference in Gothenburg, televised by SVT).
Perhaps some of those who get diagnosed with ASD, ADHD, TS etc are more androgynous or have more traits of the opposite gender? Simon Baron-Cohen’s EQ SQ-theory, suggesting that autism is connected to having been exposed to higher prenatal testosterone levels, seems more applicable to ASD & ADHD & TS females than to classical Aspie males.
· Females with ASD, ADHD and TS often think, interact and communicate more like men, and may have both typical male and typical female interests. A majority of the AS and ADHD women that I’ve communicated with report getting along much better with men than with non-spectrum women.
“I must say it's beneficial to be an Aspie woman. I feel like I'm in the middle between a typical man and a typical woman. Whereas either extreme, i.e., macho man or girly girl seems far away from my understanding, I feel I can kind of see both the male's and woman's point of view, although I can see the woman's point of view a little better and I'm a woman so I'm not really neutral. - Carrie, female adult Aspie from USA
“As a girl I was a so-called a Tomboy. Refused to play with dolls, preferred to play with boys and boy activities such as bandy etc. When I started school, horses become my big interest and continued being so until aduldhood. But I continued to prefer being with guys. As an adult I’ve chosen a rather manly profession and today only work with men. My theory is that men’s language is simpler and has fewer undertones than women’s.” - Kia, female adult Aspie from Sweden
“Absolutely - men have a much simpler language and is therefore easier for me to understand. With women there is sooner or later conflict, due to them not saying what they mean... and all these hints...” - ‘Panika’, female adult Aspie from Sweden
“Generally speaking, I’ve always had an easier time communicating with guys. It is easier, I think. Not so much gossiping, and one is not considered a moron if you know how a toaster works.” - ‘weasley’, female adult Aspie from Sweden
“I just got an Asperger diagnosis and that explains some things, e.g. why this with gender identity has been somewhat of a problem. Read that it is an Asperger symptom.
“As a child I used to climb mountains and trees, jumped ice floe etc. The last 8 years I’ve been riding a moped although I’m a lady of 56. My clothes are functional. Often forced into men’s dpt. to find them. In the ladies’ dpt. there are only vain, impractical, see-through clothes that don’t keep me warm on my moped. “It turned out early that I had too little oestrogen and therefore didn’t get my period until I started eating low-dose contraceptive pills at 27. Today I’d like to believe that my AS-brain and the oestrogen lack is connected. I guess I’m simply more of a man since 75% of AS are men.” - Debbido, female Aspie from Sweden
· Aspie males are often softer, more physically or emotionally sensitive, introvert, monogamous, sexually passive, boyish in appearance and less macho than the average male. This may not be true of every Aspie, especially not the naturally hyperactive/intense ADHD type who may be a lot more macho and sexually initiating, although that too can vary between individuals. But many of the classical ‘geeky’ type of Aspie do seem to be rather androgyn in body type and general temperament. Mainly in the areas of communication, social interaction, interests & systemising thinking can some Aspie males be said to be ‘extremely male’.
“I am probably a mix. I like some feminine traits but not others, and I loathe certain male traits (e.g. fist-fighting, warring etc). That’s why I question Baron-Cohen’s extreme male theory. I don’t at all feel extremely male. Extreme maleness I connect with ‘Rambo’ types and those I intensely detest. I feel no need to establish dominance and I think fist-fighting is extremely primitive. I ‘fight’ with special interest projects, where I'm pretty competitive.” - Leif, adult probable Aspie from Sweden
DATING
Puberty is usually a problem for Aspies. This h2g2 Guide entry called has captured it perfectly:
“Puberty and beyond is a challenge to Little Professors that makes the normal experience seem like a mere blip on the human radar. /../ The mating rituals of pre-adult humans are a mystery to the Little Professor because they involve unwritten rules, non-verbal communication and intricate dances of words, clothing, behaviour and timing. They also irritate the Aspie with their seemingly unique purpose of just plain getting in the way of nature taking its course. If the Little Professor is interested in the opposite sex, then he is very interested in the prospect of mating. Or if the Little Professor is interested in talking to a member of the opposite sex, then he is very interested in being able to converse without the prospect of sex intruding. Confusingly, he may want to get the whole awkwardness of sex out of the way so that he can progress to being mentally intimate without being distracted.” - Anonymous author of The Little Professors
A curious thing about adult Aspies is that normal courting rituals usually don’t work very well. Leif gives examples of common courting techniques among non-Aspie men, with some comments from Aspie women:
“1. Males buy flowers and presents for females.”
“I don’t like flowers. Especially not bouquet flowers…” - Malin, adult Aspie from Sweden
“Well flowers die and if I get bought them - I have the hassle of finding a vase and tending to them :-( I'd rather see them growing outside. Not overly keen on chocolate either. I'm quite capable of buying myself what I want or creating it.” :-) - Julie, adult Aspie from England
“My husband gave me a plastic card with Ohm’s Law on it. That was nice. Another day I got a road atlas as a surprise. :-) My ex kept buying a flower I hate, and which I repeatedly told him I didn’t want.” - Emma, adult Aspie from Sweden
“2. Males flatter and half-lie to females about their feelings.”
“Flattery and lies make me totally perplexed. I can’t handle it. Well, perhaps if I can tell them straight that ‘I don’t believe that, but perhaps you have a tendency for myth mania?’ but most don’t respond well to that…
“And flattery is usually insulting I think… ‘Oh you’re a writer, how very clever of you’ gets the reply from me ‘How the **** would you know? You don’t know me and haven’t read anything I’ve written.’ Or that one is ‘pretty’. And???” - Malin, adult Aspie author from Sweden
“If you don’t know they’re lying you may believe what they say. I do. I hate getting lied to. The odd thing is that when you get angry at someone for lying, then they lie even more next time so that I won’t find out that they’re lying.” - Emma, adult ADHD/Aspie from Sweden
“3. Males create alliances with each other and try to climb higher in the social hierarchy to get access to more females.”
“Ugh! Those who are of highest rank among ordinary guys are those I dislike most.” - Emma, adult Aspie from Sweden
· Both male and female Aspies tend to need the interest verbalized, in terms that cannot be misinterpreted. Vague hints such as being asked for dinner only tells the Aspie that the asking party is hungry – and possibly interested in something more, but if friendship, sex, romance or just company for the evening is impossible to figure out unless explicitly stated. Aspies like to be informed - even if it’s bad news. Having to guess is always worse.
The natural Aspie way of doing it is to not beat around the bush: “I find you really attractive and would like you to be my friend/partner/lover.” (The charming candour of John Nash in the picnic scene in A Beautiful Mind is an excellent example!) - unless the Aspie has become inhibited by mainstream culture, or is too shy to ask at all. Many Aspie males never find the courage to ask, so it's lucky many Aspie and ADHD women are more forward and don't mind taking the initiative.
I tend to not understand vagueness. I've even misinterpreted getting a long-stemmed red rose. Twice! I was ill and thought the guy was just wishing me to get well soon; I nearly fainted with surprise when he later tried to kiss me! :-o - Inger, site-author
· Keeping promises, being honest, and being on time are things that will be of paramount importance when dating an Aspie. Don’t even think of trying to use the usual false marketing! The Aspie is usually not impressed by titles, cars, status, monetary assets, boobs or biceps, but more by things like intelligence, depth, honesty, kindness, genuine originality and talent.
“I find it extremely attractive to be able to hold an intelligent conversation - and that does not necessarily mean agreeing - having a mind of their own is a definite turn on - being narrow minded though is not. Turn offs are if they try to be something they are not - following herd mentality and not able to think for themselves - shallow - lying etc.” - Julie, adult Aspie from England
RELATIONSHIPS
· Many Aspies are married, in long-term relationships and/or have children. Many seem to get along best with other neuro-atypical or intelligent people.
“We have been married for 19 years and I think we get along better than most couples (I suppose that is not saying much). It is funny my falling in love was almost the opposite of the reactions described. My heart was calm and secure and my stomach was not filled with nervous butterflies, a refreshing contrast to the high anxiety I often felt in most other social interactions. Far from being silly, this was I guy I could have serious conversations with, unlike most people who wanted to talk about fluff and looked confused when I used my full vocabulary.” - Ilah, adult probable Aspie from USA
“I have always been attracted to guys who have knowledge in some area (that I’m also more or less interested in). Have now realised that the guys I was madly I love with in school were all seen as goofs, weird, and now I realise they behaved like AS-guys. :-) My biggest crush in school is now a scientist, don’t remember exactly at what, but something to do with concrete durability.
“A cocky guy who wants a traditional relationship, can go to… right away. A sport-fan I couldn’t stand either. I want both parties in the relationship to take responsibility for themselves/their part, at least to the extent of trying.” - Emma, adult ADHD/Aspie from Sweden
· Some have not yet found a partner and would want nothing more. Again, the relative difficulty may come from not having enough suitable partners to choose from, combined with passivity, fear or confusion as to how to go about it.
· Others find the prospect of dating & relationships much too intimidating or stressful to be worth the trouble and prefer to focus on other things instead, which may be equally, or even more, rewarding.
“Although I am fortunate to have a wonderful husband, I get intense pleasure from so many other things, a good book, music, crochet, buying new yarn, new comic book day, walking through a garden, baking cookies and many other things. Could it be that aspies have more capability to find intense pleasure in many areas besides a signicant other? Perhaps that would explain the reduced desire among many aspies for romantic love and also the intensity with which we persue some of our interests.” - Ilah, adult probable Aspie from USA
SEXMany Aspies have difficulties with sex.
· Some have a naturally asexual or non-passionate temperament. This means they simply don’t have as much sexual energy or -interest as the average person. Such variations can be perfectly normal. Some are more focused on their special interests than on their emotional or bodily needs, and may find their creative projects a lot more enjoyable than sex. Some might enjoy cuddling & body contact but not sex.
· Others may have very intense sexual feelings but lack opportunity to express them.
· Some have sensory issues which make body contact repulsive or painful.
“I don't really like being touched, and it does often feel like an intrusion.” - William, adult Aspie from USA
· The gender-reversal which seems so relatively common in the Neurodiversity Spectrum means that many male Aspie are more passive, romantic, faithful and interested in long-term relationships, while many AS, ADHD and TS women are more like the male stereotype.
· There is also the timid female type who may agree to sex without really wanting to out of insecurity and lack of assertiveness, while others very much enjoy it and see nothing wrong with having it when an opportunity presents itself.
· LGBT. Occurs occasionally but I’m not sure if it is more common than in the general population.
· Paraphilias. Some are only interested in sex if it involves fetishism, domination, role-play, pain, special outfits or some other unusual component, possibly due to sensory differences, or finding regular sex too boring.
However, not everyone on the Neurodiversity Spectrum is asexual or sexually deviant; only a minority seems to be. Many are in long-term relationships and have a perfectly normal sex life. Or would have if they were.
links
Autism, Dating and Socialazation by Stan P.
AVEN Asexual Visibility & Education Network
They just can’t help it by Simon Baron-Cohen
As a Woman with Asperger Syndrome by Wendy Lawson
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