INSIDE PERSPECTIVES of AS & Neurodiversity

 

EMPATHY

 

   First of all, let’s straighten out what the word empathy really means. The most common interpretation is ‘to be able to put yourself in another person’s shoes’ i.e. to really understand another living being from an inside perspective (and possibly even predict their reaction).

 

  This can often be arrived at by means of direct perception (of body language or other subtle cues), emotion, imagination, instinct (e.g. maternal instinct), intuition, knowledge (from a verbal or written account), experience, or logic – often a combination of several of these.

 

   Often empathy is thought to also encompassing sympathy, though they are not quite the same. Sympathy (= ‘co-feeling’ in Greek) can mean ‘to like’ or ‘to resonate in harmony with’ as well as ‘compassion’ (= ‘co-feeling’ in Latin) - which, at best, is what may arise as a consequence of understanding another being.

 

·  In some people, the ability for compassion is just not developed yet, or they have a less empathic temperament. 

 

·  Others feel compassion once they understand  how another being feels, but are not so good at imagining it spontaneously (this is often the case with Aspies).

 

·  Some people are excellent at figuring out how others function and feel, but seem to mainly use that understanding to advance their own or their employer’s social status and deliberately manipulate and/or deceive (e.g. sociopaths, advertising psychologists, PR-consultants and political speech-writers).

 

·  In some, the ability for compassion may have been there but has been turned off, e.g. by vocational training, desensitising job, desensitising media, upbringing, cultural influence etc. Many are forced to toughen up and suppress their natural compassion in order to keep their job, (e.g. a lab assistant who may feel for the animals that get experimented on, or a soldier who may not want to kill a fellow human being, but still has to do it).

 

·  Stress, hunger, fatigue, drugs, steroids, alcohol, solvents, disease, physical or emotional pain etc. may temporarily make a normally empathic person incapable of perceiving or caring about the feelings of others.

 

 

Possible reasons for apparent lack of empathy in Aspies:

 

·  Interpreting body language. Difficulties interpreting subtle body language can make it much harder to figure out how others may be feeling. Many Aspies (and men!) are compassionate but not telepathic. Once the other person’s feelings are understood, many Aspies are very sympathising and quick to offer confirmation, advice and/or support.

 

   Unless I’m in the same room and the other person shows his/her feelings in a way that can’t be missed even by me (e.g. by crying or laughing), or describes it verbally, I usually can’t figure out by myself what the other person may be feeling, or why. When people show me or tell me how they feel, I often feel some measure of compassion for them, sometimes as a direct emotion, at other times more like a mental wish for them to feel better. (Even people I dislike, I tend to feel compassion for if I realise that they’re in pain.)

- Inger, site-author

 

·  Displaying body language. Not showing empathy can easily be interpreted as lack of empathy in itself.

  

   “There is a body language component to empathy -- that even if an Aspie understands and responds in a helpful way to another person's problem, he still won't be perceived as empathic because the typical body language isn't there.”

- ‘B.D.’, female adult self-diagnosed Aspie from USA

 

·  Social cluelessness. Not being sure how to act without making things worse if someone for example suffers a tragic loss; if they want to talk about the painful event or if they don’t want to be reminded. I think it must be hard for everyone to know, but even more so for a socially clueless Aspie.

 

   When my only friend in 5^th grade lost her father I had no clue what to say or do and was too shy to ask anyone for guidance (the information about her father’s death didn’t elicit any advice or instructions from my mother, who was very young and rather Aspie herself) so I just avoided my friend for rather a long time instead. A shameful thing that I felt bad over for years but I can now have compassion for myself for really not knowing how to handle it.

- Inger, site-author

 

   “Aspies find it easy to get called selfish just because it doesn't occur to us to enunciate concerns for others or to ask unprompted casual questions about them. I can remember once getting called selfish for not asking after the health of as family friend who had been seriously ill (he recovered and is alive now). It simply never occurred to me to ask after it as I knew I would hear any news I needed to.”

- Maurice, adult Aspie

 

   “I also used to be very frightened of other people showing emotions. For example, I used to have an almost phobic reaction to people crying (except very young children). It was a physical reaction, with shaking and a queasy feeling in my stomach. As a teenager I somehow managed to figure out what I was meant to do and then managed to do it (turning your back and walking away is not the best when it is your best friend!), eventually I became less afraid and now the reaction is barely there.”

- ‘Nightshade’, female adult Aspie from NZ

 

·  General cluelessness<