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INSIDE PERSPECTIVES of AS & Neurodiversity |
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COMMUNICATION
COMMUNICATION DIFFICULTIES
Many sensitive and introvert people feel very uncomfortable and confused in social situations they’re not 100% used to and at ease in. Some only talk with their closest family or friends. Others get so nervous with other people that they blabber on too much instead and fail to grasp hints that the conversation may not be interesting the other party. The larger the group of people, the less one knows and feels accepted by them, or the more uncomfortable the situation, the bigger the risk of talking too little, too much, saying something ‘inappropriate’ out of sheer stress, or not getting said what one wanted to convey.
· Some have problems with reciprocity & timing and either talk on and on without letting anyone else get a word in edgewise, constantly interrupt others without realising that it’s disrespectful to do so, or say nothing at all unless asked a direct question. Often it is like one’s ‘talking software’ is either on or off. If it’s ‘on’ one can talk but not listen, if it’s ‘off’ one can listen & watch but not talk.
· Some are so hyper-receptive that their nervous systems and brains take a longer time to process and decode all the incoming stimuli and thinking up an appropriate response.
“I have had trouble explaining myself and try not appear a retard by saying, look I cant think, hear, see, and talk at the same time, I have to concentrate on one or the other, not that that even means I have processed what’s been said, shown. etc..” - Christine from UK
· Right-brained visual thinkers may also need more time to convert words into pictures and back again. Others take extra time analysing what’s been said and/or thinking out an appropriate and linguistically correct reply. This creates problems with timing in live conversations.
“I have been mistaken for slow at times. Once when I went to talk to a school counselor about interview tips, she pointed out how when I am asked a question it sometimes takes me a few seconds before I start giving the answer. She said that some people may mistake that for being not too intelligent. Interestingly, I just read a couple days ago that that is fairly common for aspies/HFA to do.” - Ilah, adult probable Aspie from USA
“I try to express myself as unequivocal as possible. Thus, my sentences may become rather wordy or take a long time to formulate, as I wish to express myself with as few words as possible. Clarity and brevity are often hard to combine in one single sentence. I also strongly prefer not to use the same word or expression too closely upon previous usage.” - ‘Underjord’, male Aspie from Sweden
SEMANTIC-PRAGMATIC DIFFICULTIES
· Some Aspies and autistics tend to interpret things literally, reply to rhetorical questions and may have difficulties understanding figures of speech, idioms, allegories, irony etc.
“I interpret meaning literally. If I ask a group of people, ‘Hey, are you all interested in talking about dimorphism in cats?’ and someone answers, ‘Uh, maybe later Tom,’ I take it to mean, ‘Yes we do, in a half hour or so,’ not ‘What are you? Some kind of geek? No way!’”
“I have more difficulty understanding time perspectives. If mom asks: ’Can you help me unload the dishwaser later?’ I never understand what she means by ‘later’. It can mean in 5 minutes, half an hour, 2 hours, tomorrow... So I say ‘yes’ and keep doing what I’m doing while waiting for her to tell me WHEN I am to help her. I’ve tried explaining to her that she has to say exactly when she wants me to do something as the word ‘later’ has no real meaning to me.” - ‘DarknessDescends’, female Aspie from Sweden
“- Can open the window? - Of course! People around me have to be more specific than that if they wish me to execute this ability in the moment...” - ‘Missbutterfly’, adult Aspie from Sweden
· Some reply to ‘stupid’ questions with a stupid answer just to tease, others really don’t get it. However, although some of us may have had this tendency as small children and may still reply to the odd rhetorical question, I’d say that most of us eventually learn idioms & figures of speech just like everyone else.
“I think I understood quite early that this type of questions expressed a wish rather than just was was in the words themselves.” - ‘Salkin’, male adult Aspie from Sweden
· Also, many Aspies have a very keen appreciation of irony – at least when it’s not directed at ourselves...
I guess the level of semantic-pragmatic difficulties varies from person to person. Not everyone one on the autistic spectrum has semantic-pragmatic difficulties, and not everyone with semantic-pragmatic difficulties is on the autistic spectrum.
PRONOUN REVERSAL
· Interchanging ‘you’ and ‘I’ or ‘I’ and ‘we’ may in some cases be a simple linguistic confusion and cognitive failure to comprehend the meaning of the words.
“I didn’t understand the words ‘I’ and ‘me’. My parents called me ‘you’ and my name, so when I was to say something about myself I used ‘you’ or my name instead of ‘I/me’. E.g. if I meant to say, ‘Now I am ready’, it came out ‘Now you are ready’!” - ‘DarknessDescends’, female Aspie from Sweden
· It may also come from thinking of oneself as more than just an ‘I.’
“I used to often think out loud as a child, and liked to use the ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ when arguing with myself ;-)
“As I see it, it was a conscious choice of words, and the person who does this is very well aware that ‘I’ is oneself and ‘we’ oneself + one more. When I used the word ‘we’ I meant ‘I’ as in myself and the group I identified with (at that time consisting only of myself). I think I mechanically leaned that there are personal pronouns, an their meanings. But since I don’t have a natural distinction between these, I sometimes used unusual personal pronouns, as in monologues with myself.” - Leif, adult probable Aspie from Sweden
“I often thought of myself as a ’we’. ‘Now we will do this and we think this and want this’ etc. This ‘we’ did not include anyone else but just myself. Rather weird. Nowadays I often use the term ‘they’ about myself and my husband. Instead of ‘when will we eat’ or ‘when shall we go’ which is the linguistically correct expression, I might say ‘when will they eat’ etc… it sort of feels better to say it that way, I don’t know why.” - Dina, adult Aspie from Sweden
ASPIE COMMUNICATION
Many Aspies and autistics don’t have much problem communicating with others on the spectrum; this to me indicates that our communication difficulties are mainly due to an innate difference rather than to something wrong with our brains. Our difficulties seem to be more of a cultural kind; like coming to a foreign country and not knowing the language or social codes there.
“I’ve often needed to prepare all sorts of possibly developments a conversation could take, in order to be able to give a good reply. For me this is connected to the NT communication style. It’s not accepted to make a comment five minutes after a discussion, when you’ve realised something new about the subject. You have to constantly think in real-time, which doesn’t work since I continually translate from non-verbal to verbal. When I instead communicate with Aspies, it works differently. It is not seen as inappropriate to bring back a 5 minutes old thread and the conversation does not have go continue in an even flow.” - Leif, adult probable Aspie from Sweden
ONLINE COMMUNICATION
Aspies often find communicating online much easier since it:
· Allows one to focus only on the words themselves and not having to waste time & energy on adding correct body language, facial expression, tone of voice etc. to the equation. Online, one uses only words & smileys to convey a message. If we are not sure how to interpret something, we simply ask for clarification.
· Eliminates sensory distractions and the stress that the physical presence of another human being tends to create.
“It's a lot easier for me to communicate via writing - no eye contact required :)”
· Gives one enough time to read, re-read, ponder and think up a reply which one has time to phrase with desired precision.
“Typing is a bit more tiresome than talking, but it has the advantage of allowing one to phrase things just how you want them.” - William, adult Aspie from USA
“I like to receive written correspondance because I can go through it repeatedly. I can also internalize it much better that I can fleeting words in a conversation.” - Tom, adult Aspie from USA
· Makes it easier to communicate deep & delicate matters without embarrassment.
“I find I can write thoughts that I would never say directly to a person.” - ‘Rainbow’, adult Aspie from USA
· Enables nonverbal autistics to communicate without need for vocalisation.
I was nonverbal for several years (it hurt to use my voice) and started feeling very isolated after a couple of years. Getting a computer solved this problem. I could then exchange ideas with people from all over the world without having to strain my voice and overtax myself physically. - Inger, site-author SMALL TALK
Aspies are often practical and economical with their words. Social chitchat and talking just to talk, seems to most of us like an awful waste of energy and time. When we talk and socialise, we usually want to exchange relevant and useful information for it to feel meaningful and worth the effort.
· Of the 5 Levels of Communication (phatic, factual, evaluative, gut-level and peak communication) most Aspies seem to prefer factual and abhor phatic. Many go directly to gut-level even with strangers, without passing through the other stages - which is often appreciated with other Aspies but generally seen as inappropriate with non-autistics.
“Sometimes I can carry on small talk, but it is irritating. For me it is a real effort and I have to concentrate on it as hard as if I was doing an upper level math problem. the result is that it is draining and I am glad to get away from it.
“Idle chat with strangers also makes me uncomfortable and is something of a waste of time. Talking to them doesn't make the time pass any faster, and the odds I will learn anything useful from them are about the same as my seeing them again.” - William (adult Aspie from USA)
“In my opinion, small talk is the bureaucracy of relationship and conversation. It's a load of verbal red tape that everybody uses but nobody needs.” - ‘Caltec’, male Aspie
· When an Aspie asks a question, it is usually not to be polite, but because he/she really wants to know; e.g. if you bake something delicious, you will only be asked for the recipe when the Aspie actually intends to use it. If an Aspie asks how you are, s/he is probably genuinely interested, and may therefore (initially) not understand that others may ask the same thing without being interested. So don’t ask an Aspie unless you really want to know!
“I've been told the answer to 'how are you?' is meant to be 'fine', but if I don't feel fine - I'm not going to say I'm fine!” - Julie, adult Aspie from England
“When my psychiatrist called and asked ‘how are you?’ I said: should I say fine? That would be a bit absurd when I’ve been trying to reach you...” - ‘Mardröm’, male Aspie from Sweden
DIRECTNESS
Typical of ASD people is to lack pretence & ‘social acting skills’ (what others might call ‘social finesse’). Many are unable or unwilling to hide their feelings, and may thus display likes & dislikes, pleasure & pain, sadness & joy with the spontaneity of a child.
· Promises & agreements are things most Aspies take very seriously. If you’re not 100% sure you’ll be able to come at precisely 3 o’clock, don’t promise that you will. Say that you may come ‘between 3 and 4’ - but then do not arrive at 2:53 or 4:07! And don’t say ‘Oh, we must meet for lunch one day soon,’ unless you intend to actually do so.
· Compliments. Empty compliments are not something that will impress an Aspie. We usually only give compliments we really mean, and therefore expect the same from others. We may also have a very different opinion on what is worth complimenting on...
“When people compliment me, it is usually for things that are easy to me and come as second nature. In the same way that I find it annoying to accept compliments for how blue my eyes are, I find it annoying for people to compliment me on the fact that I have created and managed a database of over 15,000 names for work. Anybody could do it, and EVERYBODY in the office is SUPPOSED to be doing it. It's part of their job description. But no one is getting off their rear ends to contribute to the thing, no one knows how to use it, and the fact is, the reason they compliment me is so that they can ask ME to look up data for them that they ought to be finding themselves but are too incompetent to do.
“I am happy to receive praise for things that I have done which are extremely difficult tasks, such as smiling when I am not inclined to, but no one compliments me for THAT.” - Tom, adult Aspie from USA
“Hmm. It is difficult with compliments I think. Of course you should be honest and say what you think to others. But then it ought to come spontaneously, and that you can do to anyone, not just to those you like. May be problematic if compliments become too many or too exaggerated and saying things just to impress, that makes me sick.” - Jessica, adult Aspie from Sweden
· Truthfulness. For an Aspie it is natural, when asked a question, to answer it as truthfully - and often as extensively - as one can. Some can produce a white lie or withhold facts if absolutely necessary, but many need to prepare for such events in advance. Lying spontaneously does not come natural to most of us, unless that person also has antisocial or sociopath traits or other problems, or feels compelled to improvise out of character from fear of punishment.
“I’m not very good at lying, and not very fond of having to do so either. If I know I’m going to get a certain question, I can prepare and make up a lie, but lying in real time is not one of my stronger points.” - Tobias, adult Aspie from Sweden
“Autistic people tend to have difficulty lying because of the complex emotions involved in deception. I become extremely anxious when I have to tell a little white lie on the spur of the moment. To be able to tell the smallest fib, I have to rehearse if many times in my mind. I run video simulations of all the different things the other person might ask. If the other person comes up with an unexpected question, I panic.” - Temple Grandin, adult HFA from USA
So, if you only want emotional reassurance and don’t really want to know how you look in this or that garment, don’t ask an Aspie “How do I look?” If you feel nervous and insecure, just say so, and you may get genuine sympathy for it.
Aspie communication rules are very simple: Say what you mean and mean what you say!
When those who have a direct communicating style try to communicate with those who have a non-direct style, it is only natural that there will be misunderstandings and bad feelings on both sides. Perhaps we can learn from each other when communicating across our respective cultural borders? Non-Aspies might learn to be more open, direct and true to their word around Aspies, and Aspies might learn to be more tactful around non-Aspies? (Some of us do learn this, eventually.)
links
Semantic and Pragmatic Difficulties
On Methaphor and Culture blog entry that gives a cultural explanation for perceived literal-mindedness in Aspies and autistics |
