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INSIDE PERSPECTIVES of AS & Neurodiversity |
Anger
Sometimes aggression, temper tantrums and meltdowns comes with certain temperament types, or with innate or acquired neurological disabilities of a permanent type. That is of course hard to do much about, other than learning coping mechanisms.
In other cases, it is more temporary and may have physical, hormonal, social, mental or environmental reasons.
· Klingon temper. (Expression borrowed from Star Trek by Rick José and his wife, inventors of the VG/AH theory, to describe naturally temperamental people.) Some people with AS, ADHD, TS or ODD appear to be born with a very intense ‘Klingon’ personality type. They often have a strong will and tend become more or less agitated when not feeling understood, appreciated, loved, respected or treated fairly. (Aspies in particular often have a very keen sense of justice, and therefore expect all rules & demands to be logical, consistent and fair.) Or when stressed out in general.
“I yell out of frustration and when something irritates me. It is not directed against anyone in particular. It’s an expression of my frustration at not being able to handle the situation. And I can’t stop it, I just black out and go crazy. That’s why I’ve decided beforehand how I may react. I can’t shout derogatory things to people, can’t hit them, only harm dead things such as walls, china. Alternatively even hit myself. The screaming consists just of screams, without words. - ‘Sugrövmanövern’, female Aspie from Sweden
· Frontal lobe epilepsy may produce sudden temper tantrums or aggression out of the blue and may be hard to detect on an EEG test unless the person is having a fit while being tested [according to Temple Grandin).
· Brain dysfunction of the parts of the brain that normally regulate the expression of more primitive emotions, e.g. from birth trauma, head injury, dementia, TBE etc. (I’ve seen this happen in people I know.) Or from lacking a good enough connection between brain hemispheres (which is common in ‘male’ type brains).
“My current hypothesis is that left and right hemispheres seem poorly coordinated. My right half is most active; hears music, is somewhat psychic, is artistic. It seems as if emotions rush off before the analytical left hemisphere has had time to have a say. With better integration perhaps the result would be that I said in a firm but friendly way ‘I actually don’t accept that behavior from you’ and went home. But now feelings have time to react first and I leave the room screaming. Afterwards I get executed by the analytical part of the brain that says ‘You did wrong!’
“This happens when the Aspie feels trapped, provoced, subjected to what is unexpected, illogical, false, dishonest etc. It doesn’t happen without provocation.
“It is easier to lose one’s temper if the body is ill, in my case from joint pain, chemo-tiredness, anaema-tiredness, tinnitus-tiredness and with temporary toothache.” - ‘Debbido’, female Aspie from Sweden
· Drugs, solvents & toxins. Air-borne pollutants, irritants etc. that may both irritate one’s nervous system and hamper proper brain function so that one loses full control over one’s body, feelings and/or thoughts. Just like steroids, drugs and alcohol, solvent fumes are a well-known source of aggression - thought to be due to dissolving the myelin sheath around nerve cells [according to an article in Swedish popular-science magazine FAKTA, 9/1990].
· Allergies. Food or additives one may be hypersensitive to.
· Hunger & rapid low blood-sugar drop.
· PMS time in women.
· Fatigue from overexertion or lack of sleep.
My ADHD little sister’s Klingon temper will usually be particularly bad when she has had too little sleep. The difference between the days she can sleep in, vs. when she has to get up early, is striking. - Inger, site-author
· Sensory overload. Sensory pain can trigger outbursts in individuals with delicate senses.
“Machines with loud engines, the hum of electricity, the scents I encountered, the constant itching from things on my skin, and many various lights used to throw me into a fit of rage. I never knew why I was so angry, or what caused it. I just felt the need to lash out at everything near me, and I often did. I remember being in so much pain and wondering why nobody around me felt it too. I often worried that I was sick and dying of a disease or something.”
“The first thing that I remember noticing as a child, was my reaction to the sound of the vacuum cleaner. To this day, I still can't stand it unless I am the one pushing it. Even then, it hurts my ears terribly, but I am able to handle it. As a child, my Mother and I got into huge terrible fights, simply because she ran the vacuum when I was home.” - Tracy, adult HSP from USA
“The tantrums come from frustration that arise from other problems caused by SID/ADD and from memories of being made fun of when I was a kid. Other kids used to taunt and tease me, KNOWING that I'd go ballistic and throw a glorious surround-sound tantrum with choreography. The problem here was SENSORY OVERLOAD. It's still a problem.” - Kevin, adult with SID & ADD
One of the few things that can cause my normally peaceful self to lose its cool and erupt in a string of curses, is if I get blinded by light (e.g. in a car, by meeting traffic or by the sun) because it hurts my eyes so much. A stray insect on my monitor when typing can frazzle my nerves no end. A dog barking when I’m working on something can make me think very uncharitable thoughts about dogs - and about neighbours who don’t keep them indoors! - Inger, site-author
· Stress. When subjected to stress, confusion, multi-task demands or contradictory priorities, some experience mental meltdown. Some of us are simply not designed to function in stressful environments or situations.
“Being an aspie is tremendously stressful. I'm not even sure that most of us fully realize just how much stress we're under because it's so constant and unrelenting. So any additional stress that gets added to that already teetering load can just set things off. People around us who don't understand will sometimes say things like, ‘What happened? She went off over nothing!’ or ‘He's overreacting to this!’ What they don't realize is that we don't go off over nothing and we aren't overreacting. We just already have such a huge plate-load of stress that even something that is small by itself, like a broken shoelace, can cause the plate to overflow. When the stress that's added is a big one, like fear of homelessness, the entire table overflows on to the floor!” - ‘Sparrow’, female adult Aspie from USA
· Social stress. Some find everyday social situations unbearably stressful/taxing and can’t really deal with having a family too. After being social they just need to be able to chill out completely.
- William, adult Aspie from USA, about his possibly AS father
“I wonder if this is not a bit like the autistic child at school and at home. They can behave perfectly reasonably and sweetly at school and then come home and be little monsters. It is as if they only have the energy to ‘pretend to be normal’ for a certain length of time and then it all goes pear-shaped. I coped by turning on the TV set when I got home from work and taking time out for an hour before engaging with the family (a pattern I developed long before I was diagnosed). Apparently many guys with AS can only cope in a social context for an hour or so at any one time and then have to have time out and maybe even have to sleep for a while.” - Rory, adult Aspie from South Africa, in reply to William
· Provocation. Some react very strongly to provocations, criticism or rudeness from others.
“I have recently got an AS disgnosis but also have several other disabilities. If you’re tired and weak, you’re of course more easily agitated but I’m still wondering... it can happen that if I am very badly treated by someone, I can’t talk at all, only run out of the room and slam the door so the whole house shakes. It happens under influense of a quick adrenalin rush where I totally lose control. This loss of control later fills me with shame and sorrow. I never direct my anger physically against another human being, but I get a bad reputation anyway.” - ‘Debbido’, female Aspie from Sweden
· Demands that one feels unable to comply with without violating oneself, can lead to a feeling of helplessness and despair that eventually may result in outbursts. Many of us sensitive/creative people are unable to do things unless we feel inspired to. Being forced or forcing oneself can make one’s body or feelings react with outbursts that one is unable prevent, because they are instinctive survival mechanisms below the threshold of conscious will. Same with those who suffer from dyspraxia. Being judged and possibly punished for something one is unable to control will only increase one’s feeling of despair. If someone reacts that strongly against a demand, it may be a clue that there is a deep need involved and see what can be done to make the situation tolerable for all parties.
· Hyperfocus. Getting interrupted at a precious moment (e.g. when watching a favourite film, listening to a favourite record, when being inspired or focusing on one’s favourite special interest) can make some react with aggression that may seem inexplicable to the unsuspecting intruder. Probably one of the most common reason for outbursts in sensitive & atypical people.
When you have AS and autism it is as if your thoughts follow a track, like a train. When unexpected things happen, when someone argues or tries to tell you what to do, or when you’re interrupted in the middle of an activity, it is like being derailed. When one is on one’s way in a given direction in one’s head and someone or something makes that train of thought or activity get off track. Anger tantrums at such a time is not because the [ASD] person is angry, but because he looses balance and doesn’t understand. One should absolutely not yell at him or try to convince him or ‘talk some sense into him’ when he gets that angry. The more you try to talk, the more you stress him out. His brain is in overload in such a tantrum and cannot handle any additional stimuli. - Micke S, adult Aspie from Sweden
· Bullying. Being misunderstood, mistreated, judged, scorned, ostracised, used, physically or verbally abused etc. in their youth and never appreciated for who they are, can make some people paranoid, disillusioned, negative or sarcastic or in their communication style. Children spoken to or treated harshly sometimes adopt a similar way of interacting themselves. Unfortunately, this doesn’t exactly win more acceptance and approval, so breaking the cycle can be hard.
· Miscommunication. Mismatching communication styles, differing cultural habits/values and misinterpreting other people’s motives etc. are probably some of the most common reasons for bad feelings and violence between people all through history.
· Impatience & frustration when things don’t go smoothly enough. The type anyone can feel over things that really are annoying may be even more annoying to someone already on edge.
“What usually gets me angry enough to destroy something is a machine that doesn't work like it is supposed to. I've smashed a number of printers that stopped working because they were cheap bits of crap from a company I will no longer buy anything from. Sometimes they are surrogates for other things, like the one or two phones that have been smashed because I've been on hold listening to crappy music and that chirpy voice telling you how important your call is (every 15 seconds or so and I'm sure its deliberate) for like half an hour, and that after searching through menus for 10 minutes trying to find a way to speak to a human..” - William, adult Aspie from USA
“I think it is more when one get’s really ticked off because the remote batteries have run out. Once I kicked the car because it wouldn’t start. Throw away all food because the sauce curds, Being really angry because they raised the bbq oil with 2 kroner. Often it’s a stress-related thing. One probably acts a bit like an angry person in a comedy.” - ‘Mardröm’, male Aspie from Sweden
“I can get angry/frustrated with things and even sometimes people - but more generally systems in this world that are stupid, ineffective and annoying. I don't hit others when I am angry (although I did when younger) - I will occasionally throw something (very rare and not at living things).” - Julie, adult Aspie from England
To summarise; if someone gets frustrated and upset when they’re being overwhelmed, stressed, interrupted, questioned, criticised or bossed around, they just may have good reason to. Still doesn’t make it acceptable to become violent or verbally abusive but identifying the cause may be a good start when trying to deal with the problem. REDUCING AGGRESSION / FRUSTRATION
The best way of reducing aggression must surely be to figure out the cause of it and then to adjust the environment to better accommodate each person’s individual needs (as well as setting reasonable limits of course).
· An allergy check and diet change may do wonders if that happens to be the main problem, as well as checking for possible pollutants in the house, e.g. from new furniture or household chemicals.
· Reducing stress. See what can be done to decrease sensory overload, quarrels, stress-inducing demands and nerve-jarring interruptions when one is blissfully hyper-focusing on something, without putting unfair limitations on other family members/classmates/work associates. (See also the Needs page for more info and tips.)
· Communication. To help the aggressive person become aware of their needs and express them in less drastic ways. A course in Non-Violent Communication is highly recommended - for everyone involved. These are some of the things I learned from it:
· Logic. Inexplicable emotional outbursts and other seemingly odd behaviours always have a logical reason, even if it may not seem so to the bewildered spectator.
· Need. Anger usually masks an unfulfilled need. The more intense the outburst, the more important the issue is to the person reacting (or the higher the level of his/her stress or pain).
· Individuality. Everyone’s needs are different. What is like nothing to one person may be like a matter of life and death to another. So always show respect for the upset person’s feelings and needs, even if they are very different from your own.
· Empathy. If not possible to assist the other person in satisfying their need, just understanding it, validating it, and expressing sympathy for the need, may be enough to make that person’s unfulfilled need more bearable. To judge, belittle or dismiss it only adds more pain to the original pain or frustration.
· Detachment. Learning not to take everything personally, as most things actually aren’t.
· Communication. Learning to communicate one’s feelings and needs without aggression, guilt or demands.
· Finding a harmless outlet for one’s frustration (e.g. tearing up something intended for the trash anyway, or hitting and screaming into a pillow) may also provide temporary relief.
“My son has a hard time controlling his temper, as did I when I was younger. He now rips up newspapers, which seems to work for him. I must admit recently when going through a lot of paperwork and ripping and shredding things no longer needed was very satisfying :-) apart from the thoughts about all the waste and poor trees.” :-( - Julie, adult Aspie from England, mother of Aspie teen
“The first way is to have a channel for the anger, anxiety, adrenaline, etc. One way is vigorous exercise, either intense aerobics exercise (which includes things like jogging, sports, fast dancing) or strength exercise, such as weight lifting. I find this is especially helpful for me if I feel a racing heart or tense muscles.
“Other ways to channel the aggressive feelings include playing video or computer games where you are killing monsters or enemies, tearing paper into little pieces and hitting a punching bag (or other object you can hit without fear that it will break).
“I also find that writing a down all my anger in a journal helps. If I feel like yelling at some one I will write down everything I feel like saying. After I have that out of my system I can usually give them a much more polite and restrained response telling them that I didn't like something.
“I also find that humour helps a lot. If I read or watch something funny it helps me to feel less stressed. If I am real upset I might read through an entire stack of comics and not even laugh once, but I do feel lots better afterwards. So don't think that the humour is not working if it doesn't make you laugh.” - Ilah, adult probable Aspie from USA
Note: Although some Aspies and Highly Sensitive People may react to provocation and have a meltdown from sensory overload and stress, the majority of are peaceful and absolutely harmless - usually even more so than the average Joe. Even when pushed beyond endurance, most would rather take their frustration out on themselves, on inanimate objects, or just keep it inside.
Those who are more regularly aggressive, and lack impulse control, usually have some additional condition, e.g. ADHD, bipolar etc.
links
Compassionate Communication articles by Marshall Rosenberg |