INSIDE PERSPECTIVES of AS & Neurodiversity

 

 

 

SOCIAL INTERACTION

 

 

SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES

 

   I’d like to suggest that most autistic spectrum social difficulties may arise from a combination of:

 

·  Not understanding the purpose & rules of non-autistic social interaction, unless explicitly informed.

 

   “I used to feel as though I had somehow missed receiving a copy of life’s ‘user manual’, and still feel the awkwardness of having to discover through trial, error, experimentation  many aspects of behavior, and social interaction that apparently are natural for most.”

- Lisa, adult Aspie

 

·  Not being understood. Having a very different set of needs, values, interests and ways of functioning and not having those differences understood, accepted or respected by others.

 

   “I have long suspected that I am just not experiencing the world the same way as other people. I think everyone experiences the world in different ways. Many people experience it in ways that are very similar to the majority of people. We call these people normal. It is relatively easy for them to understand each other because the way they experience the world is similar. Some people - like me - experience the world in ways that are very different from most people. We have lots of names for these people, most of them are not very nice names.

 

   “The closer someone's experience of life is to yours, the better they can understand you. The more different the two are, the more likely the other person will not make sense. I think that it is this, more than poor communication skills, that provoke the ‘people don't understand me’ feeling I so often get.

   ”There is a double standard in communication between those that hold the most common views and those who do not:

 

   “When I do not understand other people that is perceived as being my fault.

   “When other people do not understand me, that is somehow my fault as well.”

- Ilah, adult probable Aspie from USA

 

   “I always knew I was different and was very hurt and upset that I was easily rejected by other people in my age group for no concrete reason. It was as though they all excluded me from their social cliques by some unspoken consensus and for reasons which they were incapable of explaining to me. I feel perfectly comfortable ‘among my own kind’ where it seems I don't need to explain myself or my odd behaviors to others because I and my ‘odd behaviors’ are ‘normal’ there.”

- Tom (adult Aspie from USA

 

   “I think I'm the opposite of the qualities that most people value, at least in America. I'm very quiet. I'm not materialistic. I'm not aggressive. I'm not ambitious. I try very hard not to judge people for anything but how they treat people. I don't care much for socializing, and find common sentiments such as ‘get a life’ and ‘don't you have any friends?’ very insulting. Why is it anyone's business? I have taken so much crap for my lack of ‘ambition,’ but people don't realize that this world is too overwhelming and frightening for me to even be able to think that way. I dislike being labelled as ‘disabled’ for being this way. Why can't I just be different without there being something wrong’ with me?”

- Kitty, adult Aspie from USA

 

·  Communication difficulties (see the Communication pages). 

 

·  Sensory perception differences (see the Sensory pages).

 

·  Stress, confusion, nervousness or unease.

 

   My own ability to interact smoothly with others is very situation- & person specific. When with people I feel totally relaxed with and tuned-in to, such as my closest friends or relatives, I'm often able to pick up the most subtle hints of humour, emotion, body language etc. and can respond immediately and appropriately in a way that I've never been able to when interacting with others.

 

   But in situations where I'm the least bit tense or uncomfortable it is as if I've turned both deaf and blind and can miss things that are blatantly obvious to ‘everyone else.’ Only later, as I'm driving home or lying in bed and reviewing the ‘mental video’ of the event in my head, I may see my mistakes and think ‘Oh, how could I have missed that?’ Or ‘I should have said and done this instead!’

 

  I don't know how many times I've wished that I had an EDIT button for my life so that I could delete certain events and do them over again. It's actually very difficult being both the Leading Actress and the Director of this very long play called My Life. And not even having a script to work from, but having to improvise every scene without any prior training or rehearsal whatsoever... I mean really, how does anyone ever get it right on the first try??

- Inger, site-author

 

 

SOCIALLY AVOIDANT

 

   Tendencies to withdraw from social contact may be due to:

 

·  Social phobia. Common in introvert and emotionally supersensitive people. May vary in intensity from deadly panic to feeling shy, inhibited, uncomfortable and confused due to being overly self-conscious and unsure of how to behave in various social situations. Being informed of common social rules; practice under safe circumstances; and being accompanied by a trusted companion can be of huge help to get on the right track.

 

   “With most children who learn life skills instinctively and intellect is taught, it's generally the other way round with Aspies so the lessons need to be reversed to limit bullying and failure.”

- Debbie - no longer with us :´( - was: Aspie from UK, mother of Aspie teens

 

   I was painfully shy and socially confused as a child and teen. Getting a best friend who was more outgoing and with whom I felt comfortable (I now suspect her of being a bit Aspie too), plus having an understanding mother who bought and let me consume a little wine at home before going out to clubs, helped me get over the threshold. Not that I’d recommend anyone giving alcohol to minors, but in my case it really made all the difference! (And no, I didn’t develop an alcohol problem; I turned into one of those ‘bores’ who don’t drink at all.)

- Inger, site-author

 

·  Bullying. Many Aspies really want to have contact with others, but are excluded, misunderstood, teased, bullied or treated so badly that they can’t. Some may develop social phobia as a result of this, or become even more wary, confused and unsure in social situations. 

 

   “In school I was bullied for being different, but in what way I was different I’m not sure, probably it was my body language that was different somehow. I also didn’t like fighting and sucked at gymnastics.”

- Anders, adult Aspie from Sweden

 

·  Small groups. Some only feel comfortable in small groups with like minded people that one knows well.

 

   “Unlike many (most?) Aspergians, I really like to be around people, and get uncomfortable if I'm alone too long, and I think I communicate better in person than online.  I prefer, however, to be with people I know well in small groups - me and about 1 to 4 other people.  In groups larger than that I tend to get ‘lost’, and also bored because people don't seem to talk about anything with content - they just chat, it seems.”

- Estel, adult Aspie

 

   I find meeting new people somewhat stressful, especially if they’re non-Aspie. Having seen a picture of someone before meeting them for the first time is of help. Or having exchanged mails or phone calls so as to have somewhat of a clue as to that person’s background, values, expectations, likes and dislikes and be able to avoid inadvertently insulting anyone by the unfortunate combination of nervousness and ignorance. The more I know about a person, and the more similar he/she is to myself, the more relaxed and comfortable I feel and the better I am able to understand and interact harmoniously with the other party.

- Inger, site-author

 

·  Sensory sensitivity. Being so overwhelmed or exhausted by meeting people in person that one prefers online communication only.

 

   “I am physically exhausted from interaction. I often need to go somewhere quiet and dark for about 30 minutes so that I can do anything else.  It is interesting how, of the topic is on my area of interest, it is a lot easier to force myself into the interaction.”

- Rachele, adult Aspie from USA

 

   ”People have about the same effect on me as kryptonite has on Superman.”

- Tobias, adult Aspie from Sweden

    

·  Environment. In some cases, it may be the physical environment that is deterring.

 

   Places that are too crowded, noisy, cluttered or brightly lit with flourescent lights have an overwhelmingly negative effect on me. I also feel physically uncomfortable in big, flat open spaces without trees, and get positively ill at the sight of gloomy post-war concrete building complexes. If I have friends or relatives who live in a not-so-attractive area, I’m a lot less likely to want to visit them than if they live in a nice house with a pretty garden. (If I do so anyway, that is a very strong sign of how much I value them!)

- Inger, site-author

 

   “If things are very noisy, especially many conversations going on, then it is next to impossible for me to make anything out. It can bring me close to having a meltdown and I have to either leave or shut down external inputs by focussing on my thoughts or by doing something else. For this reason parties, bars and just about any kind of crowd has caused me a lot of anxiety and I would avoid them.”

- William, adult Aspie from USA

 

·  Introversion. Being a natural introvert and individualistic rather than gregarious. These are perfectly normal personality traits, common among gifted, creative and sensitive people. Someone born with a special talent, interest or ambition, may honestly regard socialising as a distracting waste of time instead of the reason for living. It is a matter of priority:

 

  A social person may put up with working so as to be able to meet other people and afford having a family and social life.

 

  A non-social (creative/specialist) person may put up with the unavoidable socialising at work or home as an arduous necessity to get to have the fun of working, creating or researching.

 

   What the social type often fails to understand is that it can be a real joy and pleasure to be left alone and do things on one’s own. Especially if one has something particularly interesting to study, create, perceive, think about, work on or play with. Being a non-social person is not a disorder. It is simply a personality type.

 

   “I’m most comfortable by myself. Fun to hang out with others occasionally but nothing I’m able to do all the time. If I visit someone, or someone visits me and stays for a few days, it is nice but then I’m satisfied and enjoy being on my own again.”

- Mattias, adult Aspie from Sweden

 

   “Over the years I have become more and more withdrawn. I no longer try to fake interest in family gatherings. /.../ I go to the zoo each weekend, but when I go, and wherever I go, I much prefer to go alone, and at times when people are least likely to be around.  I much prefer it this way and have been steadily taking steps to be even more of a recluse as the years go by.  I find that the more of a recluse I am, the happier I am, so I am aiming to be more of an isolationist than ever before. /.../ I am not scared to interact with people. I just don't like to and find it very stressful.”

- Tom, adult Aspie from USA

 

   I’ve often felt that I am as made mainly for observing, analysing my observations and sharing them with others, rather than participating in life myself. For as long as I can remember I have had this ‘internal observer’ that watches both myself, others and my surroundings and files away all data for later retrieval. This enables me to notice patterns which others often miss, and to make connections between cause and effect which has been incredibly useful in both my personal, social and professional life. The curious thing is that it is always present; even during the most intense experiences, I am at once both the observer and the perceiver.

 

   I may still occasionally enjoy contact with others, but prefer it if the alone-social ratio is something like 10:1. If I’m social too much, I often get stressed and think I could be doing something useful instead.

- Inger, site-author

 

   “For the longest time I used to wonder why I was not more outgoing, why being in a crowd drained my energy, being around others too long left me feeling like I needed to go to the moon to get away. Friends did not understand, my lack of interest in going out after work or hanging out was taken as snobbery or antisocial behavior (and when you are an Objectivist, that just complicates matters more!) It seems like each year, I would tell myself, ‘THIS IS THE YEAR I COME OUT OF MY SHELL!’ And after a night out, the shell became more calcified.

 

   “Then I found THE INTROVERT ADVANTAGE, which explained that introversion is not just shyness or antisocial behavior, but a matter of innate brain structure. The first half of the book focuses on the science of the brain chemistry of introverts, and describes the differences in the neural pathways, which affects not only introversion but other factors such as how they learning and sensation (i.e. sensitivity to loud and soft noises.) The second half of the book comes off as a bit of self-help cheese, but there are some good points.

 

   “With the majority of people being extraverts, introverts are at a disadvantage in social situations like work and romance. Often the perception of being shy leads some introverts to force themselves into social situations that ultimately wear them out, while the perception of being antisocial may become self-fulfilling prophecy, leading the introvert to believe it must mean a separateness from the rest of humanity (it's no coincidence that many villains in literature are depicted as loners.) Olsen Lane presents some ideas for introverts that may help foster a more informed relation between introverts and extraverts.”

- Joe, adult Aspie

 

·  Objectification. Those who are more prone to be interested in the form or idea side of life than in feelings, consciousness and social content, may become also enthralled by certain faces without really wanting to get to know the person behind the face, or with certain voices or accents and just wanting to hear a certain person talking for the pleasure of the sound, but not caring much for what is actually being said. Some love studying other humans, animals or plants, but see them mainly as interesting specimens, objects or tools, and not as living beings with feelings and needs. I think this is more common among males in general, and among Aspies, artists & scientists in particular.

 

   “When I was a teenager, I used to be obsessively fascinated by faces, body types and body parts (especially nails, eyebrows, lips and collar-bones) and spent most of my time in school making mental recordings of every tiny detail in the appearance of my female classmates - with such dedication that I can still see them clearly in my mind today, nearly 3 decades later.

 

   “I was also obsessed with names and voices, and still find it easier to like someone if they have an appealing name, voice and accent. Only recently have I begun finding people’s insides fascinating too (now psychology is my new special interest).”

- Inger, site-author

 

   “I listen a to music a lot and can sometimes like listening to people’s voices in about the same way one would listen to instrumental music, i.e. only listen to the melody, without trying to interpret what they’re actually saying. Happens now and then involontarily in conversations.”

 - Matilda, adult Aspie from Sweden

 

·  Aminals. Some Aspies prefer the company of animals.

 

   “Like many Aspies I to seem to feel a great affinity with animals, as preferring them to people. I always wanted to keep a dog but never did because I'm appalled by the lack of consideration people give to dogs and I wouldn't know if I could trust myself to be absolutely committed to the dog's welfare. I am sometimes really put off by the complacency in society of how so-called 'owners' of animals are allowed to mistreat them and nobody thinks is that big deal, just sickening really.”
- Archit, adult Aspie from India/UK

 

   “The lions will come up to their bars whenever I arrive at the zoo, they know me so well. I have a way with cats, and...for some odd reason...beagles.” 

- Tom, adult Aspie from USA

 

   “Animals are my friends! i have always liked and communicated with animals, especially small dogs. They are so clever and loving.”

- Kajira, adult Aspie from USA

 

·  Houses & places. Some get more attached to places than to people, just like cats.

 

   “I am told by nonautistic friends that relationships which other people are what most people live for, whereas I get very attached to my projects and certain places.”

- Temple Grandin, adult HFA from USA

 

 

GREETING PROBLEMS

 

·  Saying hello: Some Aspies find it tiresome just to have to use their voice, but it’s probably the least annoying of the alternatives. Ideally, a little nod should suffice instead. Or an Oriental greeting.

 

   “Most people that know me don't get upset with just a nod of the head or a wave when I see them. Still, if they speak I will make the effort to speak back. Sometimes this will mean a conversation but it is just one of those things to endure when you have good neighbors and you want to keep it that way.”

- William, adult Aspie from USA

 

·  Saying goodbye: Makes people happy, although a little wave might do the same job of alerting others to one’s impending departure. Many Aspies have an unnerving habit of quietly slipping away without saying goodbye. This may be due to not realizing that anyone would notice or care; forgetting that it is important (if one has been informed of this fact); not being sure how to do it right; being too shy and not wanting to make oneself conspicuous or interrupt anyone; wanting to avoid more enforced body contact and time-wasting fuss.

 

·  Shaking hands: Illogical, outdated, habit that I and many others think should be abandoned a.s.a.p. since it serves no practical purpose now. If you wish to show an Aspie consideration, don’t force a handshake on them, unless they offer their hand first.

 

   “As I understand it, the handshake goes back at least to the Romans and had a very definite purpose. Before meeting an important person, the bodyguard would shake hands with the person, males anyway. The idea was to shake loose any weapons they might have hidden within their sleeve. The Romans used just a single "pump'. Later cultures either kept the single pump or had multiple pumps. The Chinese had something similar, but both parties would shake their own hands: clasping their own hands together and making the motion like they were shaking hands with someone else.”

 

 

   “I don't like shaking hands at all. Still it is one of those things I have learned to make myself do because it is expected. Mostly I just don't like the feel of other people's hands. Also, as mothers often tell their children, "you don't know where that has been."  Catching germs or some sickness from other people rather unnerves me.”

- William, adult Aspie from USA

 

   I dislike shaking hands, but it’s not out of germ-o-phobia (I am not afraid of germs) but simply because I don’t like the icky feeling of direct skin contact. If people wore gloves or were furry like animals, I wouldn’t mind it so much.

- Inger, site-author

 

·  Hugging: Not appreciated by most Aspies, especially not enforced hugging with non-family members. Don’t take it personally if the Aspie refuses, or tries to escape the hug a s a p.

 

   “Don't hug those I am not on close terms with, it's very intimate.”

 - Nancy, adult Aspie

 

   “I do not like to be hugged (or at least not very often). I need to be mentally prepared and only with someone I know very well (e.g. son) or intimately involved with, i.e. partner/boyfriend.”

- Julie, adult Aspie from England

 

·  Cheek kissing: A nightmare.

 

 

ASPIE SOCIALISING

 

   When I read the excellent anthology Asperger’s and Girls and found Lisa Iland’s description of NT Socialising Rules - those confusing unspoken rules which many of us Aspies never, or only later in life, manage to figure out! - and went to an Aspie meeting only days later, I realized that we Aspies have a very different set of ’rules’ (or lack of rules) when we meet and socialise with each other (at least on the meetings I’ve attended here in Sweden):

 

·  Aspies in general (and perhaps Scandinavian Aspies in particular?) often tend to be extra democratic and usually don't have any given leaders or hierarchies, even if some individuals may temporarily emerge as initiators of this or that project and may get appreciated for that particular effort.

 

·  For joint ventures, anyone who feels like taking an initiative is welcome to make a suggestion and the rest of us discuss it until we reach a consensus which everyone involved is happy with. If we can't reach a consensus, we scrap the project altogether.

 

 Examples of how Aspies socialise:

 

·  Someone suggests a day, time and place to meet. If someone can’t come that day, another day is chosen so that as many as possible can come.

 

·  If we meet at somebody’s home, everyone either brings their own food (usually the best idea since many have strong preferences and sensitivities) or the food is agreed upon in andvance and the host is reimbursed for his/her expenses. If we meet at a restaurant it has to be one where the food, price and location is acceptable to everyone. 

 

·  Unless specifically stated that you can drop in anytime during the day or evening, everyone usually arrives on time, or communicates via cell-phone if one happens to be late. 

 

·  No one cares one bit what the others were wearing - everone is immediately accepted ’as is.’ Some are fashionable or well-dressed, others wear whatever they feel comfortable in.

 

·  Greetings with handshaking is optional. Some do it out of old habit but if anyone doesn't want to, nobody minds. Eye-contact is also optional.

 

·  Requests about avoiding things that other participants may be allergic to (e.g. perfume or animals) or have a phobia about (e.g. cameras) are respected to everyone's best ability, if one only communicates the wish in advance.

 

·  Within minutes after meeting for the very first time, Aspies usually gets along splendidly, feel perfectly at ease and are talking as if we had known each other for years, although some may be more shy than others and take longer to open up - which is fine too. (With non-Aspies many of us may feel anything from mildly uncomfortable to frantic for the first 5 or so of the aquaintance...)

 

·  No time is wasted on talk about the weather or other meaningless chitchat, but we do sort of chitchat about relevant Aspie things and make lots of jokes about things we think are funny - often word-play or about ourselves - and then we crack up again after remembering that Aspies are supposed to lack irony and sense of humor!

 

·  We are usually direct and pretty much say what we mean and mean what we say - if we say anything at all. If we give a compliment we really mean it - empty flattery is alien to us. Adult Aspies (without TS or ADHD) often moderate their degree of honesty somewhat, to a level somewhere inbetween AS and NT

 

·  Unlike non-Aspies who (according to Lisa Iland) have strict unspoken rules that govern degree of appropriate intimacey according to degree of closeness and passage of time, sharing personal things after having only just met is appreciated and encouraged among Aspies. Someone may for example talk about their relationship with their family, favorite obsessions and worst fears or describe their morning routine, eating- or sleeping habits, and everyone who feels like it chimes in and tells what theirs are.

 

·  As most of us don't have the energy to meet more than a few hours once a month or so, we don't want to waste any time on superficial or irrelevant talk that doesn't lead to anything.

 

·  No one is interested in any fake persona that is not who you really are - we want to get to know each other for real and being open about intimate things is the quickest way to achieve this with the least amount of effort. Both good and less flattering attributes are shared freely and dispassionately; one is, after all, only stating facts. This makes it easier to make choices about potential friends or mates; what you see is what you get and no unpleasant surprises later. 

 

·  Discussing philosophy, sex, death, politics and religion is no problem. No subject is taboo and very few behaviors are frowned upon. Having tics, an anxiety attack, crying spell or falling asleep is also met with understanding, even if it happens to be in public.

 

·  The only thing Aspies may be sensitive about is if someone talks too loudly, too much, or if too many are talking at the same time (due to sound sensitivity and auditory processing problems). Background music can also be a problem.

 

·  Being constantly attentive & participating in a group is not required. At a weekend Aspie-meeting at my place everyone was free to take time to themselves whenever they needed to, without having to ask to be excused. One read a book throughout the whole meeting, one sat on the back porch watching the trees and birds some of the time, a few took a nap, one went for a walk etc. No one minded or even noticed when this was done neutrally out of need to just avoid overstimulation, but when someone went outside because they were upset over something, one of us would go and see if they were alright and talk about the issue to sort it out.

 

·  Conflicts usually get resolved swiftly and easily since we have no rules about keeping a lid on things out of propriety. Though IRL there are very few conflicts to begin with since we usually get along so well with each other. We usually restrict our conflicts to intellectual debates online, just for the fun of it. Long-term conflicts are rare but it does happen that some are just too different in temperament to get along with each other, or fall out over some specific issue. Aspies can be incredibly stubborn when convinced they are right!

 

 

links

 

The Introvert Advantage Website for introverts

 

BullyOnline Resource site for bullying targets