INSIDE PERSPECTIVES of AS & Neurodiversity

 

 

 

SOCIAL INTERACTION

 

 

SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES

 

   I’d like to suggest that most autistic spectrum social difficulties may arise from a combination of:

 

·  Not understanding the purpose & rules of non-autistic social interaction, unless explicitly informed.

 

   “I used to feel as though I had somehow missed receiving a copy of life’s ‘user manual’, and still feel the awkwardness of having to discover through trial, error, experimentation  many aspects of behavior, and social interaction that apparently are natural for most.”

- Lisa, adult Aspie

 

·  Not being understood. Having a very different set of needs, values, interests and ways of functioning and not having those differences understood, accepted or respected by others.

 

   “I have long suspected that I am just not experiencing the world the same way as other people. I think everyone experiences the world in different ways. Many people experience it in ways that are very similar to the majority of people. We call these people normal. It is relatively easy for them to understand each other because the way they experience the world is similar. Some people - like me - experience the world in ways that are very different from most people. We have lots of names for these people, most of them are not very nice names.

 

   “The closer someone's experience of life is to yours, the better they can understand you. The more different the two are, the more likely the other person will not make sense. I think that it is this, more than poor communication skills, that provoke the ‘people don't understand me’ feeling I so often get.

   ”There is a double standard in communication between those that hold the most common views and those who do not:

 

   “When I do not understand other people that is perceived as being my fault.

   “When other people do not understand me, that is somehow my fault as well.”

- Ilah, adult probable Aspie from USA

 

   “I always knew I was different and was very hurt and upset that I was easily rejected by other people in my age group for no concrete reason. It was as though they all excluded me from their social cliques by some unspoken consensus and for reasons which they were incapable of explaining to me. I feel perfectly comfortable ‘among my own kind’ where it seems I don't need to explain myself or my odd behaviors to others because I and my ‘odd behaviors’ are ‘normal’ there.”

- Tom (adult Aspie from USA

 

   “I think I'm the opposite of the qualities that most people value, at least in America. I'm very quiet. I'm not materialistic. I'm not aggressive. I'm not ambitious. I try very hard not to judge people for anything but how they treat people. I don't care much for socializing, and find common sentiments such as ‘get a life’ and ‘don't you have any friends?’ very insulting. Why is it anyone's business? I have taken so much crap for my lack of ‘ambition,’ but people don't realize that this world is too overwhelming and frightening for me to even be able to think that way. I dislike being labelled as ‘disabled’ for being this way. Why can't I just be different without there being something wrong’ with me?”

- Kitty, adult Aspie from USA

 

·  Communication difficulties (see the Communication pages). 

 

·  Sensory perception differences (see the Sensory pages).

 

·  Stress, confusion, nervousness or unease.

 

   My own ability to interact smoothly with others is very situation- & person specific. When with people I feel totally relaxed with and tuned-in to, such as my closest friends or relatives, I'm often able to pick up the most subtle hints of humour, emotion, body language etc. and can respond immediately and appropriately in a way that I've never been able to when interacting with others.

 

   But in situations where I'm the least bit tense or uncomfortable it is as if I've turned both deaf and blind and can miss things that are blatantly obvious to ‘everyone else.’ Only later, as I'm driving home or lying in bed and reviewing the ‘mental video’ of the event in my head, I may see my mistakes and think ‘Oh, how could I have missed that?’ Or ‘I should have said and done this instead!’

 

  I don't know how many times I've wished that I had an EDIT button for my life so that I could delete certain events and do them over again. It's actually very difficult being both the Leading Actress and the Director of this very long play called My Life. And not even having a script to work from, but having to improvise every scene without any prior training or rehearsal whatsoever... I mean really, how does anyone ever get it right on the first try??

- Inger, site-author

 

 

SOCIALLY AVOIDANT

 

   Tendencies to withdraw from social contact may be due to:

 

·  Social phobia. Common in introvert and emotionally supersensitive people. May vary in intensity from deadly panic to feeling shy, inhibited, uncomfortable and confused due to being overly self-conscious and unsure of how to behave in various social situations. Being informed of common social rules; practice under safe circumstances; and being accompanied by a trusted companion can be of huge help to get on the right track.

 

   “With most children who learn life skills instinctively and intellect is taught, it's generally the other way round with Aspies so the lessons need to be reversed to limit bullying and failure.”

- Debbie - no longer with us :´( - was: Aspie from UK, mother of Aspie teens

 

   I was painfully shy and socially confused as a child and teen. Getting a best friend who was more outgoing and with whom I felt comfortable (I now suspect her of being a bit Aspie too), plus having an understanding mother who bought and let me consume a little wine at home before going out to clubs, helped me get over the threshold. Not that I’d recommend anyone giving alcohol to minors, but in my case it really made all the difference! (And no, I didn’t develop an alcohol problem; I turned into one of those ‘bores’ who don’t drink at all.)

- Inger, site-author

 

·  Bullying. Many Aspies really want to have contact with others, but are excluded, misunderstood, teased, bullied or treated so badly that they can’t. Some may develop social phobia as a result of this, or become even more wary, confused and unsure in social situations. 

 

   “In school I was bullied for being different, but in what way I was different I’m not sure, probably it was my body language that was different somehow. I also didn’t like fighting and sucked at gymnastics.”

- Anders, adult Aspie from Sweden

 

·  Small groups. Some only feel comfortable in small groups with like minded people that one knows well.

 

   “Unlike many (most?) Aspergians, I really like to be around people, and get uncomfortable if I'm alone too long, and I think I communicate better in person than online.  I prefer, however, to be with people I know well in small groups - me and about 1 to 4 other people.  In groups larger than that I tend to get ‘lost’, and also bored because people don't seem to talk about anything with content - they just chat, it seems.”

- Estel, adult Aspie

 

   I find meeting new people somewhat stressful, especially if they’re non-Aspie. Having seen a picture of someone before meeting them for the first time is of help. Or having exchanged mails or phone calls so as to have somewhat of a clue as to that person’s background, values, expectations, likes and dislikes and be able to avoid inadvertently insulting anyone by the unfortunate combination of nervousness and ignorance. The more I know about a person, and the more similar he/she is to myself, the more relaxed and comfortable I feel and the better I am able to understand and interact harmoniously with the other party.

- Inger, site-author

 

·  Sensory sensitivity. Being so overwhelmed or exhausted by meeting people in person that one prefers online communication only.