INSIDE PERSPECTIVES of AS & Neurodiversity

 

 

 

BODY LANGUAGE

 

 

INTERPRETING NON-VERBAL CUES

 

   Aspies often have problems picking up and accurately decoding body language, facial expressions and other non-verbal cues.

  

   “As children, aspies lack the inborn ‘detective skills’ to automatically determine and integrate the ‘unwritten rules’ of personal conduct and body language (often including facial expressions).  Parents do not have to actively teach their children to recognize these nonverbal cues, because the children have a built-in ability to learn them, and to incorporate them appropriately into their own code of conduct.  Aspies never pick up on these things, so as adults, they still do not have the ability to recognize these nonverbal signals.  Of course, this can cause confusion when NTs and aspies communicate.  The NT may send signals that he is not interested in a particular topic, or that he has tired of talking to the other person completely.  The aspie will miss these signals, and the NT typically grows more and more angry as his signals, from his perspective (and at an unconscious level), are ignored.”

- Frank Klein, adult Aspie, from What is Asperger's Syndrome?

 

·  It can sometimes be that one simply doesn’t look.

 

    I’ve noticed that on TV, I can detect the most subtle facial expressions and interpret them accurately, but in real life I can easily miss even the most ‘obvious’ ones since I’m not as comfortable looking a people if there is a risk that they’ll stare back and try to make eye-contact.

- Inger, site-author

 

·  Or one may temporarily get too overexcited to pick up non-verbal cues.

 

   I can get overstimulated and overexcited in the company of others, and that too makes it a lot harder to notice and process things correctly, compared to when I’m sitting alone and relaxed in front of the TV.

- Inger, site-author

 

·  Some Aspies may become excellent at picking up non-verbal cues, though some only from their family & close friends.

 

   “Another paradox is that my daughter and I have a ‘private’ nonverbal language. [The psychologists] couldn’t understand it at all.”

- Leif, adult probable Aspie from Sweden

 

·  Some of us are better at reading animal body language than human, possibly due to being geared for picking up subtler body language than what humans usually use, or from feeling more of an affinity with animals than with fellow humans.

 

   “I am very sensitive to animal behaviors and what they are feeling. I can read their body language very well but simply cannot in one species and one species only: Homo Sapiens. I also find it somewhat difficult to read and understand the expressions of the great apes and any monkey that does not have fur on it's face. I had come to the conclusion that I have a problem reading primate body language and behavior because, like humans, other primates (the great apes especially) exaggerate their facial expressions, and so you never know what's real. The fur on other animals’ faces obscures such exaggeration, or else those animals don't exaggerate their expressions.”

- Tom, adult Aspie from USA

 

 

DISPLAYING NON-VERBAL CUES

 

   Many Aspies not only have difficulties interpreting the body language of others, but frequently get misinterpreted themselves. Common is to be accused of being in a bad mood even when one is actually not. Possibly due to being introverted, unaware of one’s appearance, and/or unable to adopt a fake facial expression for the benefit of others – especially not when lost in thought or hyper-focused on some special interest or other activity.

 

   “I tend to look overly serious.  Even when I am happy, I tend to look very serious.  I don't smile that much and find it difficult to smile on command, such as when people are taking pictures and they want me to smile.  If I force it, it looks really, really fakey.  When I do smile it tends to be a subtle smile.”

- Ilah, adult probable Aspie from USA

 

   “I find sometimes I have difficulty controlling my facial expression unless I concentrate on it (and then, of course, it looks fake). I could walk around all day with a smile, or a frown, or no expression at all and feel pretty much the same.”

- Kitty , adult Aspie

 

   “Many times people have said I look angry or at least deep in thought, but whatever the case may be, unapproachable. Perhaps what it is simply the look of being intent and knowing what you are doing that puts people off. For example, when shopping, I pretty much know exactly what I want and want to get it and get out. Most others seem to like to browse and chat and so on.”

- William, adult Aspie from USA

 

   So don’t assume that an Aspie is grumpy or angry just because they’re not smiling. They may be feeling just fine – until you start pestering them about looking sour! ;-)

 

   Smiling is something many Aspies find hard to impossible to do unless they happen to feel genuinely happy at that particular time. (Some find it hard to smile even if they feel happy; it just doesn’t show on the outside.) Others may smile or laugh out of sheer nervousness.

 

   “I write better than I talk and have difficulty verbalising sometimes and don’t always get the tone right, have a nervous smile and laugh. I’ve gotten in the habit of smiling all time so that people won’t be put off by me, but then that backfires.  I know another Aspie who smiles all the time and it does look a little strange so I’ve stopped doing that so much but will alternate between being too smiley and chipper and being too reserved and stoney faced. I realize that I’ll never get it quite right so I just try to relax and when I do it all works a little better.”

- Carrie, adult Aspie from USA

 

 

EYE CONTACT

 

   I must say I’m confused about this eye-contact thing. In all other species it is a sign of aggression. I’ve read in an etiquette book that when you’re just having a conversation, it is the other person’s mouth you should look at, not their eyes. Only lovers - and perhaps parent & infant - can look into each others’ eyes for any prolonged period of time without it being awkward. With all others, you can make quick eye contact now and then just to continually reconfirm your connection, but not keep having eye-contact throughout the conversation.

 

·  For many Aspies, eye-contact is a huge distraction and can be very overwhelming for a sensitive person. Sometimes just having someone face you and talk right at you can be overwhelming - especially if that person is very intense. Looking away at such times is not meant to be impolite; it is simply instinctive means of self-protection.

 

   “The eyes are very powerful.  I find myself almost repelled by people's eyes! But then again, the eyes ARE the doorway to the soul for me.  Even a few glances at the eyes can tell me so much about a person when I first meet them.  My first impressions are usually correct, and it's based on the eyes.”

- Wendi, adult Aspie from USA

 

   When anyone but a baby keeps looking into my eyes, it feels like an invasion.

- Inger, site-author

 

   “I believe that neurologically typical people need eye contact because it's part of the communication process for them.  When people look into each other's eyes, they can see that the ideas that they are conveying are being understood, and they can also tell how the other person might be feeling about what they've said.

   ”But Aspies are more like animals.  In the animal world, the only time animals will look directly at one another is during confrontation.  The animal that looks away first becomes the submissive one, and that is how I perceive eye contact. Besides being an assault on my senses, I see it as rude. By not looking at someone when I am talking to them, I am showing them respect. It means that I am not challenging them to respond the way I want them to respond, but am allowing them to respond however they choose.”

   ”By forcing me to look at them, they are trying to provoke the desired response from me, and I cannot fake what they want. If I do not like what they say, I cannot look them in the eye and tell them that. And as an Aspie, I must say what's on my mind, because I detest lying.

   ”Aside from that, trying to listen to anything you say to begin with is difficult enough. As an Aspie, I live in a bubble. So for me to REALLY pay attention to you with all of my resources. I need to pull myself out of my bubble and THINK about what you are saying. I cannot be distracted by your eyes.” 

- Tom, adult Aspie from USA

 

   “Sometimes looking into someone's eyes is more intimate than I want to get for any length of time with most people. Eyes being the window on the soul, and all. I have no trouble with eye contact with people that I do feel a connection with and a lot of non verbal communication occurs through eye contact. It just feels too personal to have prolonged eye contact with strangers or aquaintances.”

- Joan, adult Aspie

 

   “For me it depends on the situation. If I feel quite safe and know the person I am talking to, I usually have a quite normal eye-contact. But when talking to people I don't know so well, I feel rather awkward looking into the eyes. I never avoid it totally, but I can't keep the eye-contact for more than a few seconds. When people look at me for a longer tim